Diabetes Rate in Candyland Now Exceeds 98%


by Carlos Freytes

Molasses Swamp, CL- A recent study conducted by the Diabetes Research Institute has found that virtually every living organism that has ever lived in, passed through, or thought of visiting Candyland is in fact diabetic. The study comes after years of research spanning the greater Candyland area, from the Lollipop Woods to the the Gumdrop Mountains, though it comes as no surprise to some of the area’s citizens. Lord Licorice, Candyland’s Secretary of State, argues that the problem has been brewing for more than 60 years. “Once Candylandians started going outside and stopped playing their board games indoors, the fix was in. Our entire state’s budget is spent on paving a single multicolored road. There simply are no funds allocated to the Splenda-fication of the Molasses Swamp, let alone Gramma Nut’s peanut farm subsidies. And after the high-fructose corn syrup blizzards of ’86, even the Gingerbread Plum Trees became a health hazard.”

Still, others remain hopeful. Mr. Mint, a longtime lumberjack in the Peppermint Forest, believes that King Kandy’s death last year may have served as a wakeup call to his only daughter, Princess Lolly. “She’s been talking a big game about building an insulin pipeline from the Rainbow Trail all the way through to the Gumdrop Pass so’s we can put in an insulin lake right here in the Peppermint Forest. But talking’s all she does. The plans never go anywhere. I reckon’ she must be stuck on one of those tiles with a dot on it.”

The insulin lake, to be named “Little Blond Boy and Little Blond Girl Memorial Reservoir,” is scheduled to be completed on June 21, 2013, the 20-year anniversary of the couple’s death by drowning due to diabetic shock while skinny-dipping in the Ice Cream Sea.

A Map of Candyland, courtesy RandMcNally

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