Gang Violence Reaches All-Time High In Hundred Acre Wood

by Carlos Freytes

Deep in the Hundred Acre Wood, Where Christopher Robin Plays-  A boy named Ricky “Roo” Kanga was shot and killed last week in what authorities are considering a gang-related dispute. If this proves to be the case, it will mark a new high for gang violence throughout the once peaceful Hundred Acre Wood. And while authorities struggle to end it, the gang warfare shows no signs of slowing.

In many ways, the Hundred Acre Wood was a perfect storm for the gangs to move in. With no discernible economy or even a structured government, the entire region is essentially an anarchist state. Add to that a movable narcotic, Hygrineundecanol or “hunny” as it is most commonly referred, combined with a vastly underprivileged population- most of the inhabitants live in tree homes or even clay shanties- and it becomes easy to understand how the gang lifestyle comes close to becoming a necessity for survival.

Still, the utter brutality with which these once humble and peaceful denizens treat each other is something to behold. Tyree “Tigger” Garrison, currently the incarcerated head of the Insane Hundred Acre Maniac Heffalump Killaz gang, sees that shift in himself. “Used to be, I might pounce on a [expletive] for no good reason other than I was good at it. But not no more. Now cappin’ fools be what Tigger be doin’ best.” When asked why he turned to this life, Tigger’s answer was short and to the point. “P.A.S.T.E.-Pouncing Ain’t Supporting Tigger’s Expenses.”

Perhaps the only shred of light in this situation is that some have managed to escape the gang life and become successful in other fields.. Raymone “Lil’ Piglet” Wallace was once an up-and-comer among the ranks of the Krazy Rowdy Woozle Warriors, a gang formed by the late “Eazy” Eeyore Black. Now, Piglet is the latest of former Hundred Acre gang members to join Oh Bother Records, a label founded by Winston “Winnie” Earl, a former gang member himself. “W-w-w-innie’s been great for the c-c-c-community. He p-p-p-picked me up off the street and said that I c-c-c-could sign with his label s-s-s-so long as I followed three r-r-r-rules. N-n-n-o more b-b-b-bangin’. N-n-n-n-no more hunny s-s-s-slangin’. And absolutely no s-s-s-s-swearing on the records. He w-w-won’t even go by his s-s-s-street name anymore. He used to be c-c-c-called “Winnie the Shit.” N-n-n-now he’s “Winnie the Pooh.”

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