Teddy Ruxpin Tests Positive for Gummiberry Juice

teddy_ruxpin

by Carlos Freytes

Sarasota, FL- Retired storyteller Theodore “Teddy” Ruxpin has become the latest in what is now a who’s who list of ursine celebrities known to have tested positive for methancetomenaphyl, a performance-enhancing substance better known by the street name “Gummiberry Juice.” Mr. Ruxpin declined to comment.

Ruxpin, 38, retired from storytelling in 1998 and opened an antique shop in Sarasota. Living a quiet life by his standards, his friends said he had never been happier. “He just got tired of living his life on the road, always on tour” says Solomon “Grubby” Gates, Ruxpin’s longtime friend and business partner. “He’d be doing a reading at a kindergarten in Phoenix on Monday and have to be in Boston in time for show and tell on Tuesday. When you lose track of where you are on a given day, it’s easy to lose track of who you are too.”

According to Gates, it wasn’t until after Ruxpin’s stage career fizzled that he turned to Gummiberry Juice. “Ted loved the stage more than almost anything. When they took that away from him, I knew it was only a matter of time before he turned to the juice.”

Gummiberry Juice has certainly had its time in the mainstream. During the 1980’s, the documentary series “Disney’s Adventures of the Gummi Bears” glamorized Gummiberry Juice use, showing only the instant highs it gives bears, highs that left the bears who abused it bouncing off the walls for short periods. The program even went so far as to show the bursts of PCP-like strength the Juice gives humans. “Everyone was doing Juice back in the day,” recounts Bill Barry Bixbie, television’s Boo-Boo Bear. “Back in the ’70s, you couldn’t get away from the stuff. I remember one night at Studio 54, Fozzie and Yogi got into a fight over a Juice debt. Yogi had hit rock bottom, stealing pic-a-nic baskets and selling them for any cash he could get. But it was never enough. Smarter than the average bear my ass.”

Ruxpin is expected to plead guilty to possession charges later this month. Other notable bears caught up in the Gummiberry Juice epidemic include the previously mentioned Fozzie and Yogi, Kit from tv’s Talespin, the Care Bear with a cupcake on his stomach, and Devin Hester.

A short clip from Disney’s accclaimed documentary series, “Disney’s Adventures of the Gummi Bears”.

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