1. Secretary of State John Kerry today urged Congress not to sabotage his nuclear program agreement with Iran by instituting new sanctions. “Iran poses no immediate threat to us,” said Kerry, who couldn’t control himself when he added, “Iran, Iran so far away.”
2. Canada today announced their intention to extend their sovereignty over the North Pole, citing the region’s abundant resources. Experts say this move could more than quadruple the nation’s production of candy canes.
3. After the success of the live broadcast of “The Sound of Music,” NBC announced this week their plans to air another live musical next Christmas season. No one is sure which musical they’ll choose, but sources close to the situation say they have already ruled out the off-off-Broadway hit “The Full Christie.” (Image of Chris Christie as a Chippendales dancer)
4. North Korea today unveiled plans for the world’s first invisible skyscraper. And if you believe that, I have an invisible bridge to sell you.
5. Google has acquired military robotics engineering company Boston Dynamics. Said Google CEO Larry Page, “This is a big day for SkyNet – GOOGLE! – I meant Google! We’re still called Google.”
6. Just weeks after fans flooded the internet voicing their displeasure over Brian the Dog’s death on “Family Guy,” the character was brought back on to the show via a time travel storyline. In other news, 150,000 actual human beings die every day.
7. Authorities in Lexington Kentucky said an inmate at the minimum security prison there escaped but then was so cold from the polar vortex that he went to a motel and told the woman behind the counter to call the police so he could turn himself in. Officials say he’s the first inmate in history who, when his cellmate asks him what he was in for, he says “forgot my mittens.”
8. A Utah woman is pregnant with her own grandchild. No joke there. Just something that happens in Utah a lot.
9. A Utah woman is pregnant with her own grandchild. Guess this means when she sends her money for her birthday it counts as child support.
10. A Utah woman is pregnant with her own grandchild, creating the last line of every argument that family will ever have forever.
11. French manufacturer Valeo today unveiled an app that enables cars to automatically park themselves at parking lots without a driver. The app tells the car to stay away from a parking spots that are too small, or to take up two parking spots if it’s a BMW.
12. Experts say that three mountain lion kittens born in the wild in South Carolina were the product of inbreeding. Oh man, even the wildlife is inbreeding in South Carolina?
13. A permit to hunt an endangered African black rhino sold for $350,000 at a Dallas auction held to raise money for the conservation of the endangered African black rhino. The winner of the permit also got an “I’m a douchebag” sticker, free of charge.
14. Kelly Clarkson is reportedly pregnant with her first child. Said Simon Cowell, “that is the worst embryo I have ever seen.”
15. It was reported this week that the CEO of the popular phone app Snap Chat turned down a 3 billion dollar offer to sell to facebook. That’s right, Snap Chat, you hold out for that fuck you LinkedIn money.
16. In an interview with People magazine, Evan Ross proclaims he’s “so in love” with girlfriend Ashlee Simpson. In other news, Evan Ross is apparently a person who exists.
17. It was reported that Taylor Swift has started dating actor Douglas Booth and — what’s that? — they’ve broken up and she has a song about it.
18. People Magazine recently awarded Adam Levine the title of 2013 Sexiest Man Alive. “There’s always next year” sighed Guy Fieri to himself.
19. 6 years since giving birth to her first child, Jamie Lynn Spears, younger sister of Britney Spears, revealed that she found out about her pregnancy in a gas station bathroom. This just moments before anyone remembered Britney Spears had a younger sister.
20. The Oxford English Dictionary named “selfie” its 2013 word of the year. Said selfie-takers everywhere “what’s a dictionary?”
21. Toronto mayor Rob Ford said of the revelation that he smoked crack that he’d like to see the tape, because he was so drunk he couldn’t remember smoking crack. A binge-drinking, crack smoking, embattled politician. Is it just me, or is Toronto mayor Rob Ford a combination of every character from the Wire?
22. It was revealed this week that Chris Christie may have knowingly blocked traffic on the George Washington Bridge as a form of political payback against the mayor of Ft. Lee. I’m not sure he did it maliciously. Do we have the footage? (Clip from Ghostbusters of the Stay Puft Marshallow Man, with Christie’s face on it, walking through the streets of Manhattan.) See? He couldn’t help it.
23. A Portland pimp who is serving 100 years in prison for stomping a man is suing Nike for not placing a warning label in their shoes specifying that they could be used as a dangerous weapon. Wait til he finds out how many things can be used to shank you in prison.
24. Two Southwest Airlines pilots have been removed from duty after they landed at the wrong Missouri airport. Wait, you mean there’s another airport in Missouri?
25. It was announced today that NBC is going to bring in Matt Lauer to fill in for Bob Costas at the Olympics, a move that apparently has Costas seeing red. Gooey, oozing, red.
26. After 22 years, Jay Leno finally left the Tonight Show this week. So be sure to tune in this fall when Jay Leno makes his triumphant return to hosting the Tonight Show!
27. John Travolta has said that Scientology saved him at low points in his life. Where was Scientology when “Look Who’s Talking Now” happened?
28. Snowboarder Shaun White failed to medal in the halfpipe event at the Olympics in Sochi, though he’s still hopeful to succeed at the full pipe.
29. Asked on Monday whether he ever smoked marijuana, Florida Senator Marco Rubio answered: “If I tell you that I haven’t, you won’t believe me. And if I tell you that I did, then kids will look up to me and say, ‘He did alright so I guess I can do it too.'” Whoa there, buddy. Don’t be so paranoid. A little jumpy, aren’t we?
30. 37,000 Disney workers are preparing to negotiate for higher wages. It’s about time. Dumbo’s been there for years and he’s still working for peanuts.
31. A Mississippi man woke up in a body bag at a funeral home after being pronounced dead by doctors. Though, to be fair, these were the doctors. (Graphic of hillbillie doctors)
32. The city of Naples, Italy, is implementing a plan to take DNA tests from dog poop to catch people who don’t pick up after their pets, finally ending the decades-long search for world’s worst job.
33. Meagan Simmons, known around the internet as the “hot convict” has filed a lawsuit against a website over the use of her mugshot in their advertisements without her permission. If she wins her case, experts expect Hitler’s mustache to follow suit. (Graphic of Michael Jordan Hanes commercial with Hitler mustache)
34. The joke was on Pope Francis Sunday as he meant to say the Italian word caso, which means “example” but instead said the word cazzo, which means “fuck.” So, remember, children look up to the clergy as a good caso, while the clergy look at children to be a good cazzo.
35. An 18 year old man who goes by the name “Versace Pockets”, who attempted to gain followers on Twitter and Vine by having sex with a Hot Pocket has since been banned from twitter, banned from vine, and blocked by @hotpocket. That last one is harsh. Hot Pockets was all into you, saying things like “Hey boy, you lookin’ fine tonight. Why don’t you put on that Color Me Bad cassette and slide on in.” But once it got what it wanted, boom, blocked. Hot Pockets. What a slut.
36. A South Carolina woman was arrested for not returning a video cassette of the Jennifer Lopez movie “Monster-In-Law” to an out-of-business video store in what is being called the most excrutiatingly boring case of all time.
37. Scientists have used DNA testing to a solve a 70-year-old mystery surrounding the sinking of the Titanic. (graphic of different Carnival Cruise accident headlines) Titanic, you ARE the father!
38. A new speed-reading app claims it can double or triple your average reading pace by aligning words to minimize eye movement. Here’s the fine print. (Graphic of the entire screen filled with tiny print for two seconds.)
39. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers this week unveiled their new jerseys for the twenty fourteen season. The orange is a reference to the team’s original color scheme, while the chrome piping is a reference to how much the team hopes they can blind the opposition into losing.
40. An underwear company is offering a $50,000 insurance policy to its male customers, to be paid out if their penis becomes detached from their body.
41. A Kansas City woman thinks her landlord, who is also her boss, may be behind the 11 hidden cameras police found in her home. The landlord denied the accusation from the speaker he hid under her bed.
42. A man accused of three Michigan bank robberies posted a photo of himself on facebook holding the submachine gun used in the robberies. Meanwhile, the serial killer who totally confessed to everything on Myspace is still on the loose.
43. Jacksonville police issued a ticket to a two year old while she drove her toy car around her apartment complex. When asked if she felt the ticket was fair, the two year old stated (in baby voice) “I’m this many.” (holds up two fingers)
44. XBox gamer Ray Cox became the first player to score one million achievement points on XBox live, a feat that took eight years to accomplish. Scoring with a woman is expected to take him never years.
45. President Obama is directing the government to find more humane ways to handle deportation for illegal immigrants. I don’t know, I think we can squeeze one more inhumane deportation, can’t we? (Image of Justin Beiber in a catapult.)
46. A Pennsylvania woman looking to exact revenge on her cheating husband stole nude photos of the man’s girlfriend, posted them to Facebook, and tricked the woman’s teenage son into looking at them. Wait, how does this exact revenge on the husband again?
47. Police in the United Kingdom shut down part of a busy motorway in Middlesbrough, England, to search for a man’s missing penis. When asked why it was so difficult to find, the man said “it’s cold out, alright?”
48. A Colorado man who was trapped in a submerged car is suing the fire fighters who rescued him, in what is being called “The Douchiest Thing Ever.”
49. Researchers have found that when urine meets water containing chlorine, such as pool water, two potentially dangerous chemical byproducts are formed. Say what you want, I’m still peeing in the pool.
50. According to unnamed sources within the special ops community, the images of slain al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden’s body were never released because U.S. troops fired countless rounds into bin Laden’s body after killing him. Which begs the question, “Seriously why can’t we see these pics?”
51. A couple was arrested for shooting up heroin while with their children at a McDonald’s play area. Although, to be fair, have you ever tried to watch a kid at those play areas?
52. An adorable 8 year old can recite the value of pi up to 80 digits. In an unrelated story, scientists have discovered that if time-traveling robots were ever to be sent to the past to destroy us, they’d do so in the form of adorable 8 year olds.
53. A woman recently discovered she had an 88 pound tumor originating from her ovaries, which is a coincidence, because my mom often referred to me as an 88 pound tumor that came from her ovaries.
54. Governor Chris Christie encountered hecklers at a town hall this week. Coincidentally, each of the hecklers encountered mind numbing traffic on the ride home.
55. Witnesses say a Florida woman blew up a man’s car after he refused to purchase a McFlurry dessert for her at McDonald’s. Or as they call it in Florida, “an average Tuesday.”
56. A new study by Harvard scientists points to a protein in the brain that could lead to new drugs and treatments for Alzheimer’s. Said one Alzheimer’s patient, “Linda? Linda is that you?” Said one Alzheimer’s patient’s daughter, “No, dad, Linda was your wife. She left you seventeen years ago.”
57. In a new study, researchers from Queens College and the University of Illinois found that people who stay single for a shorter amount of time recover faster from breakups than those who waited longer to enter into another relationship. Yeah, we’ve known that for years, guys. It’s called “settling.”
58. A Tennessee woman is accused of smashing her car into a church and stabbing her husband in the chest because she said he was worshipping a NASCAR race. When God was asked if He was there when the car came crashing through, God replied “Nope, I was at that bitchin’ NASCAR race.”
59. A Republican candidate who believes that bad weather is God’s punishments for gay marriage equality won the GOP nomination to challenge run the Chicago-area 9th Congressional District. The Republican Party: where “We hath angered the gods” is a viable weather report.
60. A Republican candidate who believes that bad weather is God’s punishments for gay marriage equality won the GOP nomination to challenge run the Chicago-area 9th Congressional District. Meanwhile, in San Fransico, it’s sunny for the four thousandth consecutive year.
61. MtGox, the bankrupted Bitcoin exchange firm, said that they have found a hundred and twenty million dollars worth of bitcoins in old electronic wallets. Did they check in the old electronic jackets from last summer? How about under the old electronic sofa cushions? That’s where I usually find my lost money.
62. CNN’s coverage of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 got even more ridiculous Wednesday as anchor Don Lemon asked a panel of experts if the plane’s disappearance could be the result of a black hole. Wait, does CNN stand for Completely Not News?
63. A Florida couple who spent 45 years together died within 12 minutes of each other on Saturday. Poor bastard didn’t even get 15 minutes of quiet to himself.
64. Three top White House aides, three Republicans and three Democrats in Congress have all been hit with sanctions by Russian President Vladimir Putin, meaning that their Russian assets and their ability to travel within Russia has all been frozen. “This is a real bummer. I was looking forward to relocating to Russia,” said no one ever.
65. A woman says she ended her Planet Fitness membership was told her toned body was too intimidating for other gym members to handle. This is just like that time I was fired from my modeling gig for being “too beautiful.”
66. People in Japan have watched a Youtube video of newly appointed Crimea Attorney General answering questions at a press conference nearly 300,000 times, even though the video has no Japanese translation. Sure, the Ukrainian government has launched a criminal case against her and stripped her of the civil service rank of “counsellor of justice”. And sure, no one knows what she’s saying. But, look at those eyes…
67. Indonesia’s anti-porn communications minister “accidentally” followed a pornographic twitter account. Right, and I “accidentally” Googled “Ryan Gosling shirt off.”
68. Chinese Children have been participating in games trying to make eggs “stand up” as part of traditional celebrations of the first day of spring. “Yeah, well, I can fart and burp at the same time,” said American children.
69. Obamacare hit a milestone, reaching 6 million enrollees this week. Or, at least, it could be 6 million enrollees. There is a chance it’s just one guy who clicked “submit application,” but then the website would time out. Six million times.
70. An 18-year-old from Norway now has a McDonald’s receipt tattooed on his right arm. He got the tattoo as a punishment from his friends for being, quote, too active with the ladies. Well, that won’t be a problem any more, buddy.
71. Former New York congressman Anthony Weiner has accepted a job writing a monthly column for the publication Business Insider. Which is strange, since his expertise is showing his business outside.
72. The adult website Pornhub recently released a list of top porn searches by city. Chicago’s top searches are for “massage” related videos, while in Boston search for anything that’s “wicked hod coa.”
73. The CEO of Taco Bell claims he has no idea what four twenty is. Come on. You do not sell tacos made out of Doritos until the wee hours of the morning and not know what fourt twenty is.
74. A man who just completed a 15-year prison term for robbing a shoe store went back there the day after his release and robbed it again. 15 years in prison, and the man still has no sole.
75. A nine year old Connecticut boy learned a life lesson about speaking up when you see something wrong, as police took action in response to a letter he wrote, urging them to do something about the speeding drivers on his block. The next day, he learned the life lesson: “snitches get stitches.”
76. A New York college is offering a course called “The Sociology of Miley Cyrus.” The class will focus on race, class, gender, and media through the lens of Miley Cyrus, which basically means it will focus on race, class, gender, and media while poppin’ Molly.
77. Paramount released the first trailer for this year’s reboot of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Critics agree, “why?”
78. A drunken Zac Efron and his bodyguard were beaten up by three hobos in LA’s Skid Row area and no punchline I can come up with will be funnier than that sentence.
79. A billionaire is saying that he wants to bring back Amy Winehouse in hologram form in order to take her on a world tour. No word yet on how they plan on injecting heroin into a hologram.
80. British Airways is apologizing for its poorly timed “discover the Indian Ocean” ad. No one’s sure how the ad got through the editing department. Some people think the editor fell asleep that night, but then there were those transmissions from his cell phone that kept happening for another 8 hours, and we know the editor was supposed to go to the break room on the east side of the office, but then why did he suddenly change course and walk toward the west side break room? You know what I think guys? Aliens.
81. Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg said that Facebook’s plan to deliver the internet everywhere on earth will involve drones, infrared lasers, and tons of satellites, an ambitious plan to which the people of Somalia said “What is in-ter-net? So hun-gry.”
82. A grandmother in Indianapolis has been getting threatening messages from her cable box, including some that say “I’m coming for you.” When the woman yelled back “Oh yeah, come get me,” the cable box responded “Ok, I can be there from 9 to 3 or 11 to 5.”
83. A last minute surge put Obamacare enrollment past the 7 million enrollees goal it set when the program rolled out last October. Or, as Fox News put it, “Obamacare is a clearly a catastrophic failure.”
84. Two historians claim they’ve identified the holy grail that Jesus drank from at the last supper. When asked what happened to the third historian, they ominously answered, “He chose…..poorly.”
85. Researchers have discovered that zebras developed their stripes to protect them from disease-carrying biting flies, which are repelled by black and white stripes. Apparently, not all disease-carrying things are repelled by black and white stripes. (Image of Miley Cyrus grinding on Robin Thicke.)
86. A woman sent her daughter a text that said she heard gun shots coming from a school as an April Fool’s joke. When county sheriffs told her that the joke wasn’t funny, the woman answered, “I think I know what’s funny, thank you very much,” and then went back to her job as a writer for Two and a Half Men.
87. A woman says that her dog was able to sniff out her breast cancer before medical scans could detect it. So tune in next fall for the ABC Family sitcom, Doggie Howser, Boob Sniffing MD!
88. Marie Claire magazine tweeted a picture of Kendall Jenner wearing her hair partially cornrowed and praised the style as being “bold,” “epic,” and “new.” Hear ye, hear ye! The year of our Lord two thousand and fourteen shall forever more be remembered as the year white people invented cornrows!
89. A Georgia high school is holding its first racially integrated prom. A representative from the school could not be reached for comment, because the school exists fifty-seven years ago.
90. A Rio de Janeiro woman was mugged while getting interviewed about street crime by a Brazilian tv station. So the next time you’re in Rio, try to give as many tv interviews about handjobs as you can.
91. Valeria Lukyanova, the self-proclaimed “Human Barbie,” has said that the very idea of having children brings out deep revulsion in her. Which is good, since Ken has no genetalia.
92. A nine month old in Pakistan has been charged with attempted murder, as well as two charges of making boom boom in his diapee.
93. A man wearing a shirt that read “Drunk as Shit” was arrested for driving under the influence. His girlfriend came to bail him out wearing a shirt that read “I’m with stupid.”
94. Police in Orlando are saying that an atheist man attacked his roommate whom he thought was Jesus Christ. Good thing he’s an atheist. An atheist who believes in Jesus.
95. A topless woman trashed a Florida McDonald’s, but did I really need to tell you the McDonald’s was in Florida?
96. A Pennsylvania teenager went on a horrific stabbing spree in his high school this week, or as CNN reported it: “Breaking News: Could missing Malaysian flight 370 have been stabbed to death?”
97. Researchers have begun testing nanobots -tiny robots that could be used to target tumors or repair tissue damage- in cockroaches. ‘Cause, you know, we need to make cockroaches harder to kill.
98. A baby in China was born with four arms and four legs this month. Experts say that he should be able to lead a normal life until the age of three, when it will be expected to make twice as many iPhones.
99. Classes at a high school in Kyrgyzstan were suspended Tuesday due to an “onslaught of snakes.” Said school science teacher Samuelyava L. Jacksoninski, “I’m tired of these myski-slaven snakes at this kopekoschking school.”
100. A 5-year old German shepherd was summoned for jury duty in New Jersey on May ninth, though he’ll probably get out of it since the ninth of every month is the day he licks his balls for four hours.
101. The mayor of Marionville, Missouri said this week that he “kind of agreed” with some of the beliefs of Frazier Glenn Cross, the man accused of killing three people outside of a Jewish community center and retirement complex on Sunday. Well, maybe you “kind of” can’t come to our meetings anymore, said the Marionville chapter of the KKK.
102. CNN this week referred to the story of the sinking of the Titanic’s 102 year anniversary as “Breaking News.” Next, they reffered to a report about Jesus’ return as a “developing story.”
103. A Florida man named Ed Cocaine was arrested on drug charges this week. “That’s preposterous!” exclaimed Judge Masturbation Problem.
104. A hologram of Michael Jackson performed at the Billboard Music Awards. Children in the front row said it was so real they felt like they were actually being molested.
105. The Romanian historian who debunked the Dracula myth died recently. Forensics has yet to determine if he was killed by sunlight or exposure to garlic.
106. A billboard for a Christian children’s organization featured the Adolf Hitler quote “He alone, who owns the youth, gains the future.” The president of the organization apologized profusely, explaining that they meant to go with an entirely different Adolf Hitler quote.
107. A black bear wandered through a Florida neighborhood and climbed into a resident’s backyard hammock. No one in the neighborhood reported serious damage, though no one has been able to find their pic-a-nic baskets.
108. The Obama administration secretly released a dozen prisoners from a prison in Afghanistan. As he let them go, Obama was heard whispering “Take me with you.”
109. House Speaker John Boehner charged President Barack Obama with “taking a nap” on Iraq. But, to be fair, Iraq is really comfy.
110. Speaking of Iraq, Iran has said it’s open to working with the US to secure the region. This comes as a shock for those familiar with the distant relations between the two nations. Iran can be so close, and yet, Iran, Iran so far away. (Cue Flock of Seagulls “I Ran So Far Away”)
111. Critics are already talking Oscar about Michael Keaton’s new movie, “Birdman.” In it, Keaton plays a past-his-prime former superhero movie star who disappears from the public spotlight. So it’s a documentary.
112. A new smart cup can successfully identify the liquid inside it and even give you the nutritional information of the liquid. If the cups watch the video “Two Girls, One Cup,” however, they become suicidal.
113. Helo Pinheiro has been revealed to be the woman who inspired the 50-year old song “The Girl From Ipanema.” “Finally! We solved that mystery” said no one.
114. Scientists have discovered an ocean hidden deep inside the earth’s mantle. So, don’t worry, CNN now has an entirely new ocean to search for that fucking plane.
115. Domestic violence activists are criticizing televangelist Pat Robertson’s response to a letter from a child who was afraid because the child’s father routinely threatens the mother with a gun by saying “You don’t want to get your father busted.” But, to be fair, the 4th commandment does state “Snitches get stitches.”
116. Reality star Casey Cohen is denying rumors that she had an affair with Jay-Z, stating that the two have never been intimate. She then asked Solange to put the knife down.
117. A Florida named Crystal Metheny was arrested for shooting a missile into a vehicle, which is about as great an outcome as you can expect for someone named Crystal Metheny.
118. A 34-year-old woman who posed as a teenager to enroll as a sophomore at an East Texas high school has pleaded guilty to failure to identify. Oh, but when Drew Barrymore does it, it’s totes adorbs. (Graphic: Never Been Kissed poster)
119. Increased congestion in Brazil for the World Cup led to a 344 kilometer traffic jam, though that might only be a couple of feet; I’m not good at the metric system.
120. A Ukrainian boy who insists he is thirteen years old is being tried as an adult in a Russian court based on doctors’ examination of his penis. I’d say he’s getting shafted.
121. Rahm Emanuel has called out Donald Trump’s 20 foot tall Trump sign for being classless, which is sort of like Kanye West telling you you’re full of yourself.
122. This week’s school shooting in Oregon was the 74th since the kindergarten shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, giving the United States an average of 1.37 school shootings per school week in that time span, by far the most in the world. So, finally, American schools lead the world in something! U-S-A! U-S-A!
123. A Florida man who threatened his wife with knives and doused her with gasoline says he was only joking. I’m suprised no one laughed. That joke usually kills.
124. A Hawaii man was arrested for jumping from a second story balcony with his 11 month old baby on Father’s Day. That must’ve been one ugly tie.
125. An East Peoria man shot and killed his ex-wife and her new boyfriend at their 15-year high school reunion, finally living up to his title of “Most Likely to Shoot and Kill his Ex-wife and Her New Boyfriend at Our 15 Year High School Reunion.”
126. A Connecticut woman became concerned when she heard someone calling “Daddy” repeatedly near a school, but was relieved to find that it was only a parrot that had flown into a tree. No word yet if the parrot has found its daddy.
127. Criminal, alcoholic, crack-smoking Rob Ford says he is set to return to office as the mayor of Toronto, fresh off his stint of trying to be every character from the Wire at once.
128. Special forces captured one of the men responsible for the attacks in Benghazi and did so without firing a single bullet. Or, as Fox News put it, “Obama pussies out on terrorism once again.”
129. A golden retriever who wandered away from her family at a campsite two years ago found her way back by smelling her old blanket and her owners clothes. The family says they’ve noticed some subtle differences in the dog, for instance the scar above her right eye, and the fact that she’s now a cat.
130. Researchers from Poland are reporting that a pair of male brown bears at a zoo in Croatia have been engaging in oral sex. Attempts to stop the bears from engaging in oral sex have been unsuccessful, but I hear getting married usually does the trick.
131. An 89-year-old Philadelphia man is being held on a German arrest warrant charging him with killing 216,000 Jews while he was a guard at the Auschwitz death camp. If convicted he could face life in pr—and he’s dead.
132. In Germany, a student needed the assistance of 22 firefighters when he became trapped in a 13-foot tall marble sculpture of a vagina. But the next guy who tried it said it wasn’t as tight.
133. A mountain lion scared shoppers at a supermarket in Utah. Meanwhile, every supermarket in Lincoln Park is overrun with cougars.
134. A Queens man walked into a McDonald’s with a knife stuck in his back. Employees say it’s the closest thing actual meat they’ve ever seen at McDonald’s.
135. Kim Jong Un has said he will declare war on the US if it allows the release of a movie starring James Franco and Seth Rogen about an attempt to assassinate the North Korean dictator. He issued the same threat if Hollywood even thinks about making Gigli 2.
136. A Maryland woman received a bag of marijuana with her meal. Time to up your happy meal game, Mickey D’s!
137. Transformers 4: Age of Extinction came out this weekend. The movie is 165 minutes long or about as long as it took Shia LeBeouf to throw his career away after the first Transformers came out.
138. Yesterday the new Transformers movie came out, and tomorrow the nude trans performers come out. [Image of the gay pride parade]
139. A live-in nanny in California is refusing to move out after being fired by the family. Interesting fact: this was also the secret plot to The Brady Bunch.
140. This week, Eminem’s daughter, Hailie, graduated from high school. So congratulations to the one person who made a bet that that would ever happen.
141. Tonight marks the beginning of Ramadan, the Muslim month of fasting. So if you thought ISIS was cranky before…
142. Archaeologists have discovered traces of Neanderthal feces. Turns out they also loved corn.
143. A cancer patient found the word “God” in the curls of her hair, and a man found “God” spelled out in the seeds of an eggplant in what is being called unequivocal proof that God is a tagger.
144. Ian Thorpe, the Australian Olympic swimming star, is expected to announce in an interview that he’s gay, though, doesn’t that sentence technically qualify as the announcement?
145. A recent study finds that women who eat an apple a day have better sex. Which totally explains why female high school teachers keep fucking their students.
146. A Fox News host made a major slip up when he referred to Chinese people as Chinamen. When are these crackers going to stop referring to all Orientals as Chinamen?
147. A nine-year old girl revealed the details of her parents marijuana operation to Minnesota state police. 15-year old her is going to be soooo mad at nine-year old her…
148. In the Philippines a 3-year old girl who was previously pronounced medically dead awoke at her own funeral. Her parents say she’s back to her old self, running around and making shit move with her mind.
149. Clueless star Stacey Dash criticized Kanye West’s rant equating his relationship to the paparazzi to rape, which is easy to say for someone who is still know for being in that one movie twenty years ago.
150. Members of Michael Jackson’s extended family are stepping out of what they call “the Jackson bubble” for a reality show. I’m not sure what they think “the Jackson bubble” entails, but ‘reality show’ has pretty much been their wheel house for ten years.
151. A Delaware man is accused of trying to hide heroin in his baby’s diaper, which makes him the all-time coolest dude from Delaware.
152. A gym teacher in Florida has been suspended after giving her students twerking lessons, which, in Florida, counts as AP gym class.
153. Weird Al Yankovic released a series of new parody videos this week. In other news, Weird Al Yankovic is still a thing.
154. On an upcoming episode of Keeping Up With Kardashians, Khloe Kardashian will reveal that her ex-husband Lamar Odom cheated on her. I say “reveal” in a way that means that she’s saying something that everyone already knew.
155. Attempts to contain the world’s deadliest ever Ebola epidemic in West Africa are being stunted by locals who are suspicious of the vaccinations and are chasing away health workers. So apparently Jenny McCarthy is a celebrity in West Africa also.
156. A British woman paid $30,000 in plastic surgery charges to look more like Kim Kardashian. She’s apparently already gotten the brain transplant.
157. A Mississippi man trying to run away from the cops was thwarted when he ran into the Police Academy, at which point, this guy made a cartoonish sound signifying her defeat. (Image of Michael Winslow from the Police Academy movies)
158. A New Zealand man set the record for most tattoos of the same cartoon character with his sleeve featuring 41 Homer Simpsons. I bet that tattoo cost a lot of….money.
159. An Ohio town has denied an Iraq war veteran the right to keep 14 ducks even though he claims they are therapy ducks. I had a therapy duck once, but I had to leave him. He was a quack… (rim shot)
160. …I get that this man wants to keep his ducks, but you can’t run a fowl of the law… (rim shot)
161. …When he asked how much a session cost, the duck said “you can see my bill”… (rim shot)
162. …Personally, I don’t see how ducks work therapuetically. They always seem to get me down… (rim shot)
163. …So basically, this guy is feeling daffy (Image of Daffy Duck) (rim shot), but his hometown is being a Scrooge (Scrooge McDuck) (rim shot)about it. They should just let him keep the ducks. It might act as a launchpad (Launchpad McQuack) (rim shot) to making him feel…plucky. (Plucky Duck) (rim shot)
164. Emanuel Mudiay, the top high school basketball prospect in the nation, signed a one-point-two million dollar contract to play overseas in China next year. “He really should’ve gone to college,” said idiots.
165. Scientists are stumped as to why China’s Zhiejiang river has suddenly turned red. Sorry Jews, it looks like God’s got a new favorite people.
166. An Oklahoma woman called the police to complain about the purity of her crystal meth, but I feel like that proves that her meth was really really pure.