“Ancestry.com/pets”

(The second movement of “String Quartet” by Ravel starts. Milo stands center stage, Felix to the right, and Shadow to the left. Spotlight on whichever character is talking.)

MILO
Hi. I’m Milo. I’m a purebred English bulldog. I was purchased at just two weeks old. I never knew my parents.

OLIVE
I was born to an alley cat in an actual alley. Beyond that, I just don’t know. I’m Olive.

FELIX
I’m Felix, and I’m your classic case of an ol’ fashioned mutt. Growing up, I had so many questions about my family tree that I never thought I’d get to answer. But at Ancestry.com–

MILO
Ancestry.com.

OLIVE
Ancestry.com.

FELIX
I was able to trace my family back forty generations.

OLIVE
Sixty generations.

MILO
A hundred generations. Back to England.

FELIX
Using Ancestry.com’s mega-database of pet records, I was able to discover that my 30 times great grandfather came over to America on the Mayflower. That’s pretty special.

 
OLIVE
My 28 times great grandmother was killed in Salem by humans who thought she was a witch. Stupid humans. But, my great grandfather twice removed helped rid an entire tenement building of rats. He was a hero. I wouldn’t have known that without Ancestry.com.

FELIX
Turns out, my great great great great great great grandmother was a wolf. I’m part wolf! Can you feel it! That’s wolf blood, bitch!

MILO
My parents were brother and sister.

OLIVE
Whoa.

FELIX
Whaaaaaaaaaaat?

(The music stops. Milo stares out into space with a certain violated look in his eye. A beat. The music starts up again.)

FELIX
My uncle helped save people during 9/11.

OLIVE
My mother was thrown out into the street after she clawed her owners’ baby’s eye out. Moms was a bad bitch.

MILO
My grandparents were, also, brother and sister.

FELIX
My dad is a seeing eye dog. How cool is that?

MILO
Great grandparents- brother and sister.

OLIVE
My grandmother was the only cat to ever win a mixed martial arts dog fight. Twice.
MILO
Great great grandparents- mother and son. Dear God.

(Milo begins vomiting furiously.)

FELIX
Thanks Ancestry.com!

OLIVE
Ancestry.com.

MILO
I am an unholy beast! I am unclean!

FELIX
Ancestry.com slash pets!

(The music ends.)

(Blackout.)

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