“Spank”

(Everyone on stage has sizeable breasts. Alison enters stage right through a door as if she’s been pushed through.)

ALISON
Hello? Is anyone there?

MRS. OGELCHECK
Fresh meat!

ALISON
Hello?

ALISON’S MOM
Oh goodie!

ALISON
Mom?

SHEENA
Great.

ALISON
Where am I?

MRS. OGELCHECK
You’re in a spank bank, dear.

ALISON
Spank bank? What is that?

ALISON’S MOM
Oh, honey. When a boy enters into young adulthood, he begins to think of young ladies in a…different way. Sometimes he keeps a highlight reel.

ALISON
What sort of highlight reel?

ALISON
Well, honey…

SHEENA
He jerks off to us.

ALISON
What?! No, you guy’s have to be mistaken. Kyle’s been my best friend since the second grade. He doesn’t think of me that w– oh my God why are my boobs so huge?

ALISON’S MOM
Kyle likes big boobs, honey.

MRS. OGELCHECK
My rack hasn’t been this perky since Nixon was president.

ALISON
Mrs. Ogelcheck? You were the librarian at me and Kyle’s grade school. You’re like 80.

MRS. OGELCHECK
84 this October.

ALISON
And mom? You mean to tell me that Kyle thinks of you when he…

SHEENA
It’s gross.

ALISON
I don’t recognize you. What’s your name?

SHEENA
I’m Sheena. The Purple Infinity Trooper.

ALISON
But that’s a cartoon.

SHEENA
I don’t know what you want me to say. I didn’t imagine me here.

PA VOICE
Mrs. Ogelcheck to first position. Mrs. Ogelcheck to first position.

MRS. OGELCHECK
I’m on. This reminds me of my days taxi dancing at Valentino’s in ’51.

(Mrs. Ogelcheck steps to the center of the stage, where a desk with books awaits.)

MRS. OGELCHECK
Finally returning your books, Mr. Johnson. Let’s have a look shall we.

(Cheesy sex music comes on. Mrs. Ogelcheck sits at the desk and begins stamping the inside covers of each of the books in an absurdly sexual way.)

MRS. OGELCHECK
Naughty boy. Late.
(Stamp)
Late.
(Stamp)
Late.
(Stamp)

(The music stops.)

PA VOICE
Emission complete.

(Mrs. Ogelcheck goes back to her seat.)

MRS. OGELCHECK
Easy peasy Japaneezie.

ALISON
That was it?

ALISON’S MOM
He’s thirteen and a half, honey. He’s lucky if it lasts more than a few seconds.

ALISON
This doesn’t bother you guys?

ALISON’S MOM AND MRS. OGELCHECK SHEENA
No. I’d kill myself if I could.

ALISON
Why doesn’t this bother you, mom?

ALISON’S MOM
Well why should it honey?
ALISON
It’s demeaning, it’s gross, it makes us into nothing more than his sex objects.

ALISON’S MOM
But that’s what we are, honey. We exist solely to help Kyle achieve–

ALISON
Do not finish that sentence, mom. I have to get out of here.

SHEENA
You think I haven’t tried to break out? We are thoughts. Mental projections. This is where we exist. There is no out.

ALISON
Jeez. Well, at least he just finished. He won’t be doing it again for–

PA VOICE
Alison to first position please. Alison to first position.

ALISON
You’ve got to be kidding me.

(Blackout.)

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